What is Not Helpful to Say to those who are Grieving a Pet
Sometimes, out of our own discomfort, when we are supporting those who are grieving, we might say things that impact them in ways we don’t intend. What doesn’t help those who are grieving is the recycled variation of one of five themes:
Theme 1: Longevity
People Say:
“You were really lucky to have owned them that long.”
“You gave them a good life.”
“They were old.”
“What cat/dog/horse lives to be that old?!?”
“You knew they wouldn’t live forever.”
“They lived a long life.”
What Those Who are Grieving Hear:
“You should be grateful. Not everyone’s pet lives that long.”
How Those Who are Grieving Want to Respond:
“It wasn’t long enough.”
Theme 2: “It was Time”
People Say:
“They were tired.”
“They were ready to go.”
“They were ready to be with [name of another deceased pet].”
“They saw you through major life events; they knew you would be okay.”
What Those Who are Grieving Hear:
“You didn’t need them anymore.”
How Those Who are Grieving Want to Respond:
“I needed them forever.”
Theme 3: Relief
People Say:
“It must be a relief. Now, you don’t have to worry about them when you travel for work.”
What Those Who are Grieving Hear:
“They were a burden that you’re now relieved of.”
How Those Who are Grieving Want to Respond:
“They were never a burden; I would gladly do it all over again.”
Theme 4: What the Dead Would Want
People Say:
“Don’t feel bad. Is that what [name of deceased pet] would want?”
“Don’t be sad. They wouldn’t want you to be.”
“They would want you to be strong.”
What Those Who are Grieving Hear:
“It’s time to move on.”
How Those Who are Grieving Want to Respond:
“I’m not ready to.”
Theme 5: New Chapter
People Say:
“There are lots of other cats/dogs that need homes.”
“You can get a new kitten/puppy now. Do you think you’d get one or two?”
“What are you going to do with their bedroom now that they’re gone?”
“I think you should get two new cats/dogs, so that they can bond with each other. It’s too hard on you to just have one.”
“Are you going to buy another cat/dog?”
“Maybe you should rescue a cat/dog instead.”
What Those Who are Grieving Hear:
“My cat/dog was just a cat/dog.”
“They can be replaced.”
How Those Who are Grieving Want to Respond:
“My cat/dog is not a sofa. You don’t just go buy a new one.”